Friday, January 29, 2010

First Day away from my little man

Oh my goodness---who would have thought that in seven weeks I could have grown to love him so much.   I have been dreading this day...but it finally arrived and I had to go back to work.   I know I need to go to work, but I feel so guilty and so selfish.  Inside I am so torn.   I used to absolutely love my job.  My students were my life.   I would judge time from production to production.   And getting up and going to school was never a chore.  I generally was there by 7 or 7:15 and then would stay till 6 or 7 at night.----But today all that changed.
I barely slept all night.  I kept looking over at my precious little guy....I just couldn't get enough of him.   Because I knew that today I would not be able to hold him in my arms and sit and enjoy him.  
This morning as I walked out of the house I began to cry.  And I continued crying all the way to work.  I walked into school and headed to my classroom door.  As I reached the door, I pulled the keys out of my pocket.  As I put the key into the door knob, I thought of running and jumping into my car and heading home to my house and picking up Xan and holding him one more time.   But as the tears flowed down my cheeks, I bravely stepped inside.  This room that used to fill me with excitement was empty...and so was I.   All I wanted was to be at home.  The few short steps to my desk seemed a never ending journey.   I sat at my desk and started to try to prepare for class.  I found my mind wandering to my little man and so I began to put up a collection of pics of Bryce, Xan and Magoo on the small bulletin boards behind my desk.  Each picture holds so many emotions and so many terrific memories of the past 6 weeks.   The tears continued until the first students began to arrive about 20 minutes later.  Finally I pulled myself together.  One student, Ben Ream, ran into the classroom and threw his arms around me--"we are so glad to have you back!  We have missed you!"   These words and the hug were what I needed to help me get through first period.    At the break between 1st and 2nd more students came with excitement and hugs.  It was so good to see them.   --but I still missed my little man.   Boy this is so much more difficult than I even imagined.
For the first time, I found myself watching the clock waiting for lunch time so I could go home to feed my little man and hold him in my arms.  When I walked into my parents house, I expected to hear a screaming baby.  I was dreading hearing him cry....but when I walked in it was crying.   I quickly scanned the room for Xan....was he sleeping?  was he hurt?  Where is my boy?   I turned to the right and then I saw the cutest thing.   Xan was laying on the wide counter unter the large kitchen windows with grandpa playing with him.  I don't know who had the bigger smile....Xan or Dad.   It was so sweet.  I love them!!! 
As I fed him I tried to treasure every minute.  But before I knew it, 40 minutes had passed and it was time to go back to school.  As I left the tears began to flow again and my dad put his arms around me and whispered "you couldn't leave him with two people who loved him more."   This provided some comfort.  They love him so much and are so excited to have him.  They spoil him, sing him little songs and rock him.    He is well taken care of and loved....but why I am still crying?
I cried all the way back to school and counted the minutes till 2:50.  When the bell rang I grabed my keys and rushed to my to my car. I found myself having to set the cruise control on the 5 minute drive so that I wouldn't speed to my parents home.
When I arrived, of course I walked into their home to find him safe in his grandma's arms and almost asleep.   
I am truely blessed to have such incredible parents.   These two wonderful people love this little boy and have been waiting for a grandchild for so many years.  But they are also making a huge sacrifice of their time to watch him every day.  And although I know I will continue to tear up from time to time as I leave him, I am comforted with the fact that he is with two people who adore him.   THanks mom and dad for taking care of my little man. 
In time perhaps the guilt and sense of being torn may soften, but for now each day will be a struggle.   I never imagined being a working mother would be so tough.  I have a whole new outlook on everyone who does this everyday.    Being a parent is certainly not an easy job.   However when I hold my little peanut in my arms and watch his tiny fingers grasp around my index finger----I feel a love inside that I have never felt for anything before.  This tender spirit, this little man, my little boy is my life.   I love him so much and I thank my Heavenly Father for sending him to us.

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