Sunday, February 7, 2010

Missing the little moments

Last night I spent an enjoyable evening at the Heritage Theater with my dad and my friend(sister) Mandee.   We went to see The Miracle Worker, the story of Helen Keller and Annie Sullivan.   I had helped the cast with characterization and finishing touches right before they opened and it was so exciting to see their closing night.  Each member of the cast had grown so much and they gave such beautiful performances.  Especially Hailey and Natalie---their performances were honest, touching and just incredible.   I enjoyed seeing them after the show and hugging them and letting them now how great they were.
Well I said goodbye to my friends and headed out to my vehicle...on the way I slipped on the ice and fell into a huge puddle of freezing water hitting my right arm just above my elbow and my hip and the back of my head. My entire right side was covered in freezing slush and my hands were covered in gravel.   I felt like an idiot--mostly because I had been so careful to avoid the ice....and I was in a ton of pain.  But luckily no broken bones....just large bruises.   As I made my way to the car I kept thinking how much I just wanted to be home.  The 2 minute drive seemed endless and as I pulled into our driveway I was so relieved to be home.
I walked into our kitchen and told Bryce what had happened as I scanned the room for Xander.....but I soon noticed he was around.  He must have already gone to  Bryce is good.   And then it happened----I asked Bryce where he was...he said in his crib.  So I walked into our bedroom where we have the bassinet.  I walked over to the bassinet and there was no Bryce said "no his crib."  And I lost it.  The tears began to flow down my cheeks.  My little man was asleep for the first time in his big boy crib.   Why was I crying?---I should be happy---but I felt so sad.  I had missed this moment.   I know it must be strange...but I had pictured this night.  I have his pajamas all picked out...I wanted him to wear his monkey pajamas to go with his monkey themed nursery.  I wanted him to be cuddled up in his blue blanket made by his auntie Maggie and his monkey blanket made by his aunt Trisha.   I was going to take pictures and video and rock him to sleep and them place my little angel into his crib for the first time ---but now it had happened without me.  While I was off with friends I missed this milestone.

I just stood there in the doorway of the nursery with the tears flowing and poor Bryce not knowing what to do.  He just didn't understand why this was so wasn't like he had taken his first steps or anything....but to me this was sooooo important.   Since he was born he has spent every night by the side of our bed in the bassinet or in the bed snuggled up with us.   I am not ready for that to be over.   I am not ready to give that up.  I want this time to last forever.     And more than that I had missed this transition.
I began to think in my mind how many other things I will miss when I am at work and he is home with Grandma and can I do this?   The more I thought, the more I cried.   I have waited 6 years for this little man and how can I miss a moment of his life.    He changes so much everyday.  He is growing and begining to smile, react, reach, giggle and so much more.  Each small change is a momentous occassion for me.
My mind tells me not to cry, but my heart is in control.   I love him so much.
After a while I went into the nursery and snapped a few pics.   There he is in his beautiful crib that Grandpa Cook got for him and at least he is cuddled up with Maggies blanket.   He is so peaceful and sweet.   He looks like an angel.
Perhaps my sadness is coming from the fact that every day I realize more and more how precious time is.   And how fast time goes.  He is only two months old, and he has already changed so much.   I want him to stay little forever.  I want to be able to hold him and snuggle and protect him from everything.   But that is not possible, everyday he grows a bit more, and some day the thought of snuggling with mom will seem very uncool.   I guess for now I just need to make the most of each moment I have with him and try not to worry about the moments I miss.   My mind is telling me that.....but my heart is still aching and my eyes are still full of tears.

1 comment:

  1. Every second, every moment, every little milestone counts. One day, you'll be facing what I am facing right now. My little angel is turning in his papers to go on a mission and I feel that my heart is exploding with pride and crushing from the fact that I know I won't see him for two years!!! Hug and snuggle every chance you get, Melanie. Motherhood is the most glorious of all situations. I am sooo happy for you...You deserve this!!!


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